Victor Bronstein | ANUS AS A CRUCIAL ELEMENT OF A POLITICAL SYSTEM STRUCTURE

Pamphlet

Dear reader! Before you throw away with indignation, the text, preceded by such, to put it mildly, unappetizing title, please take into account that before your eyes is not material for a Comedy Club, claiming to be awarded by the Ig-Nobel Prize, but serious scientific research, which became the product of a lot sleepless nights, generated by the author’s anxiety for the future of the unlucky humanity. Let’s admit that for the real science should not exist any taboo topics. Otherwise, it will not have the right to be called “science” at all.

Today, our topic will be heavy metals, in particular, lead, in terms of its impact on human health. Not mercury, not arsenic, which brought fame to the notoriously known medieval poisoners from the Italian Borgia family, but their more modest counterpart, who made a lot more harm than all of them, taken together. Without going into details, let us say that, although lead has been known to people since the Stone Age, nothing good from this acquaintance, except for, as they say, a headache for humanity did happen. Rather the opposite. This is what serious medical works tell us. Long, systematic intake of even insignificant doses of lead into the blood is fraught with: dementia, infertility, hair loss, disruption of the gastrointestinal tract, renal failure, and also the appearance of aggressive and criminal inclinations in humans, up to craving for human assosination. Therefore, it is not surprising that with such a horrible list of features lead played the most sinister role in human history. In particular, among serious scholars there is a fairly well-founded opinion that it significantly contributed to the fall of Ancient Rome, due to the prolonged abuse of its citizens by red wine with an admixture of lead compounds. By the way, if someone forgot or did not even know- the mighty empire that existed for a whole thousand years. Compared to this background, the bloody purges practiced by Russian dzar, Ivan the Terrible, who lost his brains under the influence of lead fumes issued by paints containing lead ingredients and covered the walls of his royal chambers, or, say, the death of some polar expedition because of lead, which was part of cans containing their food, look as a harmless kid’s game. It would also be appropriate to mention the mass poisoning of Appalachian miners at the times of the “no alcohol law” with home-made moonshine, produced by means of old car radiators, or serious environmental damage caused to mother nature in the vicinity of American highways by exhaust fumes of gasoline with lead additives and now almost forbidden everywhere. But it is too early to relax, buddies. Even today we cannot feel safe, because this harmful metal is part of the holy of holies, women’s lipstick. So, guys, I’m seriously warning you: if you have a wife-shrew or, God forbid, problems with your erection, be aware who your enemy is. You have to know your enemy as well as your boss in person precisely: in this holy cause, no caution will be excessive. I strongly recommend that you kiss in bed your wives, not to mention your girlfriends through a sheet, as the wise Hasidic men do, although they are guided by considerations of a much higher order, which our science today still is not aware.

Now, the impatient reader has the legal right to ask: “Where, the hell, is the topic stated by the author in the story title, and for what purpose does the author fools readers with these horror tales. Patience, my friends! I gonna remind you the famous words of Alfred Hitchcock: “At the very beginning of a plot there must be a corpse, and then it must be even more terrible.” And now for our story to be continued we have to “wind the tape back” to take a nostalgic look at the not so old events that took place in the ingloriously died state, for short, on a modern Russian slang called “sovoc (a scoop)”- a sarcastically colored name which substitutes the official name of the former Soviet Union. All inhabitants of this notorious communist state who lived behind the “iron curtain” knew the term “Soviet Man”, one of the Soviet propaganda key elements. Soviet Man-this is a specific human being, brought up in an incubator, referred to as the Soviet Union, which proclaimed itself in the Soviet propaganda fantastic tales as the most reading country in the world. Probably future anthropologists have the full right to single out a Soviet Man into a separate subspecies: “Homo Reading” (hereinafter-HR). However, it is appropriate to put the question: “And what does he or she, in fact, darling, read?”. Just imagine, folks: for 70 years in a row, a person is reading like crazy, taking aside all other temptations and delights of his only life. Actually, he reads the communist propaganda stories he was bequeathed by the father-founder Lenin at the dawn of the Soviet power: Soviet newspapers and other garbage similar to them, so to speak, the foolish “wisdom” of Soviet bosses and their numerous, well-paid servants entrusted with the unstoppable brain washing of the Soviet people. Moreover, he or she reads everywhere: at home, in bed, at work, in the train, carrying them back and forth to their work, even, it is hard to believe, in the rest room (if he or she has one). Thus closing the continuous chain of the intimate spiritual alliance with their Communist party bosses . And everything would be fine, but namely in the rest room the important problem arises: the absolute lack of personal hygiene tools. I mean the tools for removal residues from the most intimate parts of their bodies upon completion of the main process. Tools commonly referred to as toilet paper. Well, this turns out to be a cognitive dissonance: a person just dedicated his or her whole life and soul to the Communist idea and here such, sorry, unexpected bummer, you can even say, an annoying hitch in the ecological scheme of the circulation of shit in nature. After all, the lovely Soviet authorities took care of everything, they didn’t even forget about freedom of speech, included it into the text of the Soviet Constitution, in the sense that it is guaranteed by permanent, strategic state stocks of paper for newspapers. But about the toilet paper the Soviet authorities are gravely silent, as if it never existed in nature. It sounded like the Communist bosses thought sarcastically: “Do not worry, be happy, folks: you are not nobles. You can survive anyway. This is not threating condition for your lives”. So we can probably suggest that the Communist idea and toilet paper are at the opposite poles of human civilization. After all, as soon as the Soviet Union was announced about the coming of the era of “perestroika”, toilet paper, as if by itself, almost instantly, emerged from non-existence like the prophet Jonah from the whale’s fall. How can we now, with tenderness, not recall these disheveled, sweaty ladies just barely have been broken free from the gigantic lines their eyes shining with happiness, belted with bundles of treasured rolls over their shoulders, in the manner of glorified by the Soviet Civil War propaganda famous brave revolutionary hero- sailor and guerilla- Zheleznyak- belted crosswise with machine-gun tapes around his chest. Moreover, strictly speaking, we even have no idea about how our ancestors solved this burning problem. Unfortunately, the geniuses of Russian literature, as if by conspiracy, surrounded this slippery topic with a gloomy wall of silence. And we absolutely do not imagine today how our favorite literary heroes got out of the situation in the short breaks among wars, adultery, duels and writing love letters. The weak hint, however, came to us from the frivolous French from the mouth of one of the heroes of Rabelais, who recommended for these noble goals to use the newborn geese. But we, the former residents of the beggarly “sovoc”, can meet such recommendations only with a bitter smile, regarding them as a vile mockery and malicious provocation. And yet we now know very well how our HR, realizing that there is nowhere to wait for help, and saving drowning person is the handiwork of drowning person itself, however has successfully solved this crucial problem on his own by making personal hygiene tool, to the envy of the rotten West, neatly cutting pages of the same, just used by them as spiritual nutrition, a newspaper, having previously lovingly rubbed it between its callused palms for softening. Newspapers, the inexhaustible reserves of which he or she has been vowed guaranteed by his beloved state of “Hummer and Sickle”. But, as is often the case, the devil is in the details, and the aforementioned “triumph of the will” of our hero in a long time interval turned into a disaster, to become a mean and dangerous mousetrap.

Now, for clarity, follow me, folks, in order. We will need a brief insight into the technology of printing production. It has long been known that printing production is one of the most harmful industry for human health. And first of all, for the reason that in it, both for typing and for other needs, materials are used that contain lead with antimony additives, which are also not the most helpful material for human health.

You do not need to be a crazy nerd, tortured to death by your own and someone else’s intellect, to realize that when a font is worn (and it wears out pretty quickly due to the softness of the material), its microparticles inevitably fall into the paint, which is eventually applied to a piece of paper, which became a newspaper later. The smart reader has already guessed where the author hints. Just imagine: the entire population of the Soviet Union, and this, nearly 300 million people, has been rubbing itself for 70 years with a frenzy, into their anuses, associated with the human cardiovascular system by very close ties, a material whose contact with our body is illustrated by a very odious list of terrible consequences at the very beginning of our article. Is it any wonder now that in modern Russia, the population so clearly demonstrates some of the features that have been showed there. They also easily explain the amazing readiness of Russian citizens to trust to the inviting screams of impudent TV peddlers, sly sellers of stale and frankly rotten official political goods. Somehow people easily forget that, having such, to put it mildly, ambiguous history of their own country, it would be nice, finally, in order not to wake up to the dead, to become friends with their own minds. In fact, before our eyes, there is a lightning leap in the process of transforming species, a biological revolution that would have taken hundreds of millions of years for mother nature: Homo Reading (HR) is rapidly turning into Homo Watching TV (HW in abbreviation). No surprise! The soil is diligently plowed and dug, anybody can come up and sow it with everything that might come into his or her head. Success is guaranteed. From here grow a wide support by Russian population the official military propaganda slogans containing the annoying repetition the World War II “Victory” topics, as well as justification of the Stalin’s purges, recent occupation of the Crimea and the Donbass, and, name a few, everything else that God will send us in the future. And there is no need for any Chernobyl catastrophe, no fashionable theories about the loss of the Russian people gene pool. It is enough: chronic, for three generations, quiet and imperceptible affection of the defenseless body with lead poison.

After reading this pamphlet somebody can argue that the events described by the author are seriously outdated. That humanity extracted lessons from them and left them behind. Well, folks, I gonna show you that your optimism, to put it mildly, is a little premature:

For a century, following the so-called Great October Socialist Revolution, the fruits of which in the course of our lives we, the former Soviet citizens, managed to swallow much more than enough, we have the opportunity to observe how in the world, with surprising persistence, here and there flush up and run across, from place to place smelly swamp lights, belching this very revolution, accompanied by an old notorious Marxist slogan: “take away and divide.” And although all these inclinations invariably end in complete failure, and more often than not- the almost inevitable bloodshed accompanying it, this devilish onslaught continues unabated, and more and more people are dragged on into this Malstream being attracted by these vulgar and primitive ideas of “human equality”. This poison is penetrated into Western society by the efforts of cynical and irresponsible academic “shepherds” almost totally pushed out conservative scholars from education process, even in the countries where it has never happened. Capturing, in the first place, immature young minds, whose life experience is infinitely far from what has been our destiny under the Communist rule. And it seems that this trend will continue and only strengthen in the future. And if I am right, and this will happen, then I would like to be mistaken, but my internal voice tells me that toilet paper will be the first innocent victim. And the story will go on already painfully familiar to us, trodden circle. Listen, young: toilet paper is a marker that determines the degree of meanness of the state in which you live. If it is available, then in such a country you can still breathe. If it disappeared, then, as the chauffeurs say: drain the water from the engine immediately. Urgently, before it is too late, determine on the map the distance to the nearest border, and buy a one-way ticket in this direction. And never regret for your decision.

Unfortunately, nothing on Earth passes without a trace. The half-life of lead is 700 years. So do we really expect the miserable fate of the Roman Empire? Or are we destined to die inevitably among the icy silence, under an indifferent sky dotted with prickly stars, following the fate of the hapless polar explorers? God knows … For us it remains only to pray that the safety margin of our civilization is such that it will allow it to survive for at least a little longer.